grout thoughts

following the 'natural' thinking of thoughts re: grout, i find myself to have circumambulated the abyss, to worry about emptiness and lack and deprivation--that one misses what some say isn't anyway.  how that equates to not touching with sensation and the over-abundance of glitter.  the thrill of a 7 year old who is indulged with a shakerful.  the alternate experience of playing in pounds of it with no visceral contact. 

i worry about a great deal and have fancied myself many things.  one being a bodhisattva of sorts, but in reviewing the root downfalls and the vows of the bodhisattva, i realize i am more the hybrid of the buddhist trickster.  i am shameless in my shame, for example.  i do illusory harm, but none really.

there was a woman who frequented the Jung Institute in Houston.  she was older and it appeared scrambling for a rebirth of sorts and acclaim.  she'd tell us stories of her shamanic endeavors and hold herself against our lesser beings as one accomplishing something rare and desired.  she came one night to psychodrama and i had been playing the psychopathic protagonist with great joy, involuntary deep breathing and the depths of trickery.  she boasted about having received blessings and an activation of power by visiting her shaman in new mexico.  i grinned at her and said well, i'm going to steal it from you.  i brushed her arm with my hand and said i got it!

some years later a mutual acquaintance told me that this woman had spoken very ill of me.  she said i was "dangerous" and advised others to stay away.  she said i stole other people's power and that no one should ever let me touch them.